Let There Be Light
This post was originally shared in The Good Letter - Vol. 5
I was anxious and excited to have 'ORU MU' completely finished, I think it's my longest 'short' story to date and most demanding too. After hitting the publish button, sharing the link on social media and hearing the feedback, something happened - I suddenly lost my energy.
It's one thing to be tired but to lose energy not for one day but for four weeks was worrisome. To a biological-I'm-a-woman kind of extent I knew what was going on, my body was gearing up for the hotter bottle if you know what I mean, but even after that my energy felt like a very distant friend.
One day, after a productive-ish day I began to question myself, my desires, and whether I actually know what I'm doing and so on and so on - the interrogation did not stop!
If I could use a colour to describe my mood it'll be BLACK! As I sat in my room one day at 5am questioning and feeling overwhelmed my desire for 'BLACK' grew. I can't explain it, but I just wanted to see the colour around me, my phone screen was too brightly coloured with an African print design so I changed it to a black screen and turned on the night mode function. Honestly, I don't know what came over me I even had to inform a friend who then prayed for me.
"Why do I feel this way?" I asked God, "I've been feeling good this whole time and now this? Where's my energy? What are you telling me?"
I sat in the dark waiting for a response only to wake up to rays of light shining in my room, apparently, I had grown weary of the questioning and eventually fell asleep only to wake up a few hours later to WFH.
I questioned God the whole day and when I got tired of repeating myself God reminded me of my own story 'ORU MU' and how my main character, Bola Ifetomi, encountered light in a dark time in her life. God then took me through His word, I read Psalm 13, Isaiah 40 and 2nd Corinthians 12.
The scriptures talk about waiting on the Lord, they describe our weaknesses and God being our strength and the need for light (life) in the dark (I posted the scriptures on Instagram, check the caption here). I was encouraged, but my energy and motivation still hadn't returned but God kept talking and I kept listening.
"Why have you started using a black background on your IG Stories?"God asked me while I sat in the living room, attempting to do something useful for the day.
"Because when I use a black background the focus is on the post I'm sharing," I answered and as I did God gently encouraged me with this:
Sometimes the state of being in a dark place or having a 'BLACK mood' moment isn't always an indicator that something is wrong. Sometimes the dark setting is needed to get you to focus on The Light and what/where The Light directs.
Consider this moment as a call for focus.
Focus on Me.
And I get it, although I'm still working out the specifics of this focusing exercise, I get it and I'm ready for God to call for my attention to whatever He has on His heart for me.
Revelation received, relief felt but for real, for real, my energy is just returning (and when I say energy, I really am referring to physical energy and the constant state of being tired).
As my energy, motivations and desires regroup I look forward to what God has planned for me to focus on and if I should feel another type of colourful mood, hopefully, it'll be brighter next time (at least for the sake of the Good Letter ascetics 🙊).
Have you read this and felt "Oh, I can relate"? If so, reply back to this letter. Even if you haven't been able to relate or are having a hard time grasping what I'm on about, still drop me a message and let's talk.