Pride
"First pride, then the crash - the bigger the ego, the harder the fall."
Proverbs 16 vs. 18 (The Message Version)
Since being in America, one of my many "struggles" has been dealing with and confronting pride.
It's the accent! It's gonna get me in troooooouuuuuubbbbblllllllleeeee! LOL!
Never in my life have I had so much attention shown, with such little effort, all I need to say is "Hello" and that's it! As much as I laugh and genuinely find some occasions really funny, I have found myself gradually enjoying the curiosity shown. My head has gotten a little heavy for my shoulders, giving way to my tongue making utterances God asked that I refrain from.
PRIDE!
A terrible thing and I am so grateful to God for showing me my true self and causing me to beg for a quick change because quite frankly, I don't want to "crash".
Pride has had me ignore God and enjoy the applause for myself, creating for myself an expectation that "I should be heard" - pride is ugly and I want no part of it.
Of course, there's nothing I can do about how I speak - it's how I speak, BUT my intent, behind striking conversations or encouraging others to marvel at my accent is the issue at heart.
The good thing about coming to this realisation is that I am more aware of my actions, thoughts and words. I am making a conscious effort (by God's grace) to be more attentive to God's voice, and it has me praying about the future. The truth is my American experience can become a thing of pride when I get home, like here, people will be curious and want to know how New York was and I'll have my ready-made answers to give them. It'll be easy to turn my experience into a "Pride-platform" because yet again the attention will be on me. I no longer crave or enjoy the attention; my heart has failed to marvel at God's creativity when it comes to cultures, accents etc., enjoying what should be His for myself.
To be honest, I'm almost "nervously wary" of speaking in certain places, but of course, God doesn't want me to feel this way, and Him being so amazing has placed this verse in my heart as a prayer:
"God reached out, touched my mouth, and said, "Look! I've just put my words in your mouth - hand-delivered! See what I've done? I've given you a job to do among nations and governments - a red-letter day! ...""
Jeremiah 1 vs. 9a (The Message)
My prayer is that when I speak, I speak the words God has given me and no longer for self, but for His glory.
Amen.
P.S. People will always be curious, my pride is not as of result of their curiosity, it's because my heart hasn't been in the right place, focusing on the right Person.